I understand all the recent chaos trickling down from our Northeast border, I really do. To help me cope, I have even implemented a temporary embargo from streaming my favorite re-runs of Saturday Night Live’s “Bill Swerski’s Superfans” before bed. Until now that has been my best therapy for sports withdrawal.
Before this year, there has been one consistent disappointment Illinoisans could count on; that the Chicago Bears will provide us with optimistic hope in August and pessimistic dread by December. This year was a little different, and now that more anticipation flows from Lake Michigan the sports gods have provided us with something new to suffer through. The Bears might actually be moving out of Chicago and into Indiana. Huh. Never fear though, the Illinois Legislative Braintrust has sprung into action and convened committees, subcommittees, and possibly subcommittees of subcommittees that will hold press conferences to solve the dilemma and ease our frustration.
Yes, the full machinery of the Illinois state government is now humming along, fueled by the righteous fury of lawmakers who will absolutely not sit idly by while our charter NFL franchise relocates to a place most of us only visit accidentally when we text one too many times behind the wheel and miss the exit on I-80.
But let’s be honest; with the money and power lining up behind the move, this relocation is starting to feel about as likely as a Mitch Trubisky three-and-out in the fourth quarter. Never fear, though, I have an idea. Illinois power-brokers listen up. Instead of trying to prevent this unstoppable “manifest destiny” five miles east, our leaders should redirect their energy toward something they actually have the power and ability to change. Once the team is gone, they should demand a name-change.
Think about it. “Chicago Bears” won ‘t play in Indiana at all. Black bears once lived in Indiana, but the State’s leaders completely eradicated them in the mid-nineteenth century, at great expense and with overwhelming support of its citizens who feared them. Indiana natives haven’t even claimed Hammond until now, so nobody wants the “Hammond Bears.” They can’t use “Hoosiers” either; that name is already taken and besides, most of them still haven’t figured out what one is. Let them keep the name “Chicago” and claim it. If Joliet can do it, so can Hammond. But the “Bears” won’t work.
What’s left? Indiana’s official state bird is the Northern Cardinal. So, logically, lawmakers should immediately begin wining, dining, lobbying, schmoozing, back-slapping, and possibly interpretive dancing—whatever it takes—to persuade the right NFL power players to rename the team the Chicago Cardinals.
Sure, it sounds strange. It obviously misidentifies with the name of that baseball team from St. Louis whose mission is to ruin every summer and fall in Wrigleyville. But that mild identity crisis is nothing when compared to the spiritual catastrophy season ticket holders will endure every time they pass the ‘Welcome to Hammond, Indiana’ sign as they journey toward a “home” football game. I say if a symbolic slap in the face is inevitable, we might as well choose a path that stings slightly less.
Of course, notwithstanding the brilliance behind this name-change plan, it does create one tiny potential problem in Arizona. Somehow, the team formerly known as the St. Louis Cardinals got to keep the name “Cardinals” after moving to Glendale, Arizona in 1988, even though that desert has roughly the same connection to the Northern Cardinal that tumble weed has to Wisconsin ice fishing. It’s baffling, and should be open to a well-analyzed change of name. Of course, knowing what we know now, we should have lobbied at that time for the Cardinals to move to East St. Louis. St. Louis would have faced the mirror-image of our own problem today, and their leaders probably weren’t as smart as ours.
Let’s follow my same logic. Arizona’s state bird is the Cactus Wren; a feisty adaptable little creature that can survive blistering heat, brutal drought, and the existential burden of being a bird that can’t fly particularly well. Isn’t that the perfect symbol for Arizona football? Stable, tough, desert-tested, and unlikely to ever evolve or need another rebrand.
So Illinois lawmakers, once you’re done persuading the NFL that ‘Chicago Cardinals’ is the only proper name for a team playing in Hammond, Indiana, you’ll need to send a strongly worded letter to Glendale, Arizona. Something polite but firm; perhaps along the lines of, “Dear Glendale, Please give us the bird. The Northern Cardinal, that is. In exchange, may we humbly suggest the ‘Arizona Cactus Wrens?’” It’s accurate, regionally appropriate, and frankly, it sounds kind of adorable.
Orrrrr ….. perhaps our leaders can decide this particular topic is not one that should be politicized, monetized, and sanitized in committees, and instead maybe understand the importance of this issue to the average constituent in Illinois, and do what it takes to ensure that the Chicago Bears remain the Chicago Bears.
Before this year, there has been one consistent disappointment Illinoisans could count on; that the Chicago Bears will provide us with optimistic hope in August and pessimistic dread by December. This year was a little different, and now that more anticipation flows from Lake Michigan the sports gods have provided us with something new to suffer through. The Bears might actually be moving out of Chicago and into Indiana. Huh. Never fear though, the Illinois Legislative Braintrust has sprung into action and convened committees, subcommittees, and possibly subcommittees of subcommittees that will hold press conferences to solve the dilemma and ease our frustration.
Yes, the full machinery of the Illinois state government is now humming along, fueled by the righteous fury of lawmakers who will absolutely not sit idly by while our charter NFL franchise relocates to a place most of us only visit accidentally when we text one too many times behind the wheel and miss the exit on I-80.
But let’s be honest; with the money and power lining up behind the move, this relocation is starting to feel about as likely as a Mitch Trubisky three-and-out in the fourth quarter. Never fear, though, I have an idea. Illinois power-brokers listen up. Instead of trying to prevent this unstoppable “manifest destiny” five miles east, our leaders should redirect their energy toward something they actually have the power and ability to change. Once the team is gone, they should demand a name-change.
Think about it. “Chicago Bears” won ‘t play in Indiana at all. Black bears once lived in Indiana, but the State’s leaders completely eradicated them in the mid-nineteenth century, at great expense and with overwhelming support of its citizens who feared them. Indiana natives haven’t even claimed Hammond until now, so nobody wants the “Hammond Bears.” They can’t use “Hoosiers” either; that name is already taken and besides, most of them still haven’t figured out what one is. Let them keep the name “Chicago” and claim it. If Joliet can do it, so can Hammond. But the “Bears” won’t work.
What’s left? Indiana’s official state bird is the Northern Cardinal. So, logically, lawmakers should immediately begin wining, dining, lobbying, schmoozing, back-slapping, and possibly interpretive dancing—whatever it takes—to persuade the right NFL power players to rename the team the Chicago Cardinals.
Sure, it sounds strange. It obviously misidentifies with the name of that baseball team from St. Louis whose mission is to ruin every summer and fall in Wrigleyville. But that mild identity crisis is nothing when compared to the spiritual catastrophy season ticket holders will endure every time they pass the ‘Welcome to Hammond, Indiana’ sign as they journey toward a “home” football game. I say if a symbolic slap in the face is inevitable, we might as well choose a path that stings slightly less.
Of course, notwithstanding the brilliance behind this name-change plan, it does create one tiny potential problem in Arizona. Somehow, the team formerly known as the St. Louis Cardinals got to keep the name “Cardinals” after moving to Glendale, Arizona in 1988, even though that desert has roughly the same connection to the Northern Cardinal that tumble weed has to Wisconsin ice fishing. It’s baffling, and should be open to a well-analyzed change of name. Of course, knowing what we know now, we should have lobbied at that time for the Cardinals to move to East St. Louis. St. Louis would have faced the mirror-image of our own problem today, and their leaders probably weren’t as smart as ours.
Let’s follow my same logic. Arizona’s state bird is the Cactus Wren; a feisty adaptable little creature that can survive blistering heat, brutal drought, and the existential burden of being a bird that can’t fly particularly well. Isn’t that the perfect symbol for Arizona football? Stable, tough, desert-tested, and unlikely to ever evolve or need another rebrand.
So Illinois lawmakers, once you’re done persuading the NFL that ‘Chicago Cardinals’ is the only proper name for a team playing in Hammond, Indiana, you’ll need to send a strongly worded letter to Glendale, Arizona. Something polite but firm; perhaps along the lines of, “Dear Glendale, Please give us the bird. The Northern Cardinal, that is. In exchange, may we humbly suggest the ‘Arizona Cactus Wrens?’” It’s accurate, regionally appropriate, and frankly, it sounds kind of adorable.
Orrrrr ….. perhaps our leaders can decide this particular topic is not one that should be politicized, monetized, and sanitized in committees, and instead maybe understand the importance of this issue to the average constituent in Illinois, and do what it takes to ensure that the Chicago Bears remain the Chicago Bears.